30 November: safe and secure with wine.

Today is Computer Security Day. Take this issue seriously because if you don’t, it can very quickly turn into a right nightmare – having to cruise the local park looking for some spotty, sullen teenager (who speaks in a combination of grunts and code)  or wordless geek (who speaks only in eye contactless code) to sort out your devices. All this needless interaction wastes valuable wine drinking time.

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But – rest assured – I have a wonderful solution to this common problem. And it’s free! Turn the home computer off – in fact get rid of it completely and use the space it’s in for a picture of Giordano Bruno – and then only use the internet at work at the expense and risk of some one else. At the end of the day 90 percent of what’s on it is just conspiracy theory shite anyway and looking at Bruno everyday will remind you that Truth is of far more importance than watching cats jump into the air at the surprise sighting of a cucumber.  

In fact even this pointless (but noble) site is an unnecessary addition to the 21st century. I mean, really, if you want to get drunk just do it. Don’t wait for my say so…..

I do all my computer use at work even completing this “cutting edge” blog and I sleep well at night knowing that any nasty viruses will have to be sorted by my employer! Result!

Plus, below the image of Giordano I store multiple bottles of vino as an offering to the universe and to truth. (God isn’t bothered about you – that’s why there are viruses in the first place,)

A quote:

“Pinotage has the heart of a lion and the tongue of a woman; after drinking a certain quantity you can talk forever and fight like the devil!” Anonymous

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29 November: locked in a box with a corkscrew and wine.

1935 and Erwin Schrödinger publishes his famous thought experiment ‘Schrödinger’s cat’, a paradox that illustrates the problem of the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics. Some thing’s seem to work on one level but not on another. Stuff works all differently depending on whether you look at it all nonchalantly in passing or scrutinize it in detail. It’s a fucking nightmare. One second you think you’re coming and, the next thing you know, you’re going. 

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“It prevents us from so naively accepting as valid a “blurred model” for representing reality.” Schrodinger wrote. 

It’s this type of stuff that makes science triumphant in the battle for truth but, unfortunately, in the real world there’s no particular desire to move away from blurred models; at my work place ‘pie in the sky,’ ‘land of fantastic’ thinking is rewarded with whoops and chest bumps and, I kid you not, middle management picnics in the park. Everything is terrific or at least until that point where the real world ‘stress tests’ the blurred model and it’s all found to be total shite.  Hey presto: it’s all the fault of the actual workers and it all carries on like before. Hurrah!

So, because this happens everywhere, it’s tempting to say celebrate Schrodinger’s iconic proposal by kidnapping your boss ( or any boss) and fastening them in a box with some poison but – Mrs Drink Wine Today tells me – this is apparently illegal. So don’t do it.

There is though no law – as yet – against fastening yourself in a room with a corkscrew, some wine and yet more wine and staying there whilst claiming to be both drunk and sober at the same time.  Ring work – tell them you’re there, tell them you’re not – it’ll hard for them to prove it either way. This is not simply getting drunk – this is ‘a proposal,’ this is looking for truth……

A quote: “Whether wine is a nourishment, medicine or poison is a matter of dosage.” Paracelsus

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28 November: celebrating something French with wine. 

28th November is French Toast Day. 

WTF has that got to do with drinking wine? 

Well sometimes you just need to look closely and to  think – ever so slightly – outside the box: so if you scrutinize carefully you’ll spy the word ‘French’ tucked away in there which is God’s way of telling you in some subliminal Darren Brown type of way,  that it’s a great day to open a good bottle of fine French Red wine; delve even deeper, like Sherlock Holmes doing that shizzle he did to work out stuff about people just by looking  at their walking canes, and you’ll spot the word ‘Toast’  heavily suggesting that today is a day to forgo the infinite hassle of bothering to cook a proper meal and, instead,  just grill something whilst you open a second bottle. Lastly, the fact it says ‘Day’ also suggests that there’s a possibility (indeed a certainty) that this will turn into night and that means it’s probably okay to get three bottles in to be on the safe side to see you through.

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 In fact from starting off looking like a bit of a nondescript day it’s actually one of my favourite days of the year. (I generally ring in sick; you should do likewise.)

Cheers, I love France. And eggs. And sugar. Oh and wine.

A quote: “Let those who drink not but austerely dine, dry up in law; the muses smell of wine.” Horace. (Translation: teetotalers are boring, lack lustre freaks best avoided.)

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27 November: sit back and watch the chaos with a relaxing glass of wine.

I like things that mess up the natural order of things and, today in 1810, Theodore Hooke perpetrated the Berners Street hoax in London.

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He had a bet – probably a drunken one (which makes us like him even more) – with his mate, Samuel Beazley that he could turn any address in London into the most talked about address in the country. The address they settled on was 54 Berners Street and our hero Hooke sent out thousands of letters requesting services, products and visits to the property on 27th November. Hopefully he requested lots of wine to be delivered too. Dignitaries, doctors and MPs were all requested to attend and – as predicted – the chaos became the talk of London.

Hooke and Beazley sat calmly in a residence directly  across the street and watched it  all unfold from there. Lol before anyone had even invented LOL. In fact quite possibly the world’s first denial of service attack.

So why not follow Hooke’s wonderful idea and send loads of contractors and randomers to your workplace to commemorate the joy of organised chaos. Take some vino to drink when it all kicks off. Parcels, health and safety inquiries, inspectors – the more the merrier. Just remember to remain completely indifferent to all the commotion.

A quote: “You are my wine, my joy, My garden, my springtime,
My slumber, my repose, Without you, I can’t cope.”  Rumi

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26 November: impaling life with wine.

What do you think about when you think about red wine? That’s right – vampires. And what do you think about when you think about vampires? That’s right Vlad the Impaler. So it’s as good a reason as any to get massacred on red wine today to celebrate that, on this very day in 1476,Vlad the Impaler defeated Basarab Laiota (someone no one liked and who history has totally forgotten) to become ruler of Wallachia.

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Vlad didn’t fuck around when it came to enemies and made their lives (and deaths) hell and went on to inspire the whole vampire myth. And okay, he might have been a psychopathic madman but I bet he didn’t have many nights lying wide awake worrying about cleverer answers he could have given in a meeting or how safe his position was in the next ‘strategic restructure.’ Maybe empathy – like water -is just an over rated thing that actually adds very little to life (or at least to the workplace.)

And I bet he didn’t drink white wine either (or ‘sitting on the fence’ rosé.) Today then is definitely a day for red. (In our house though – to be fair – every single day is a day for red.)

So drink to the memory of Vlad and make sure you do it with something red, rich and devilish. And do something to fuck with your enemies heads……

A quote: “The drunkard who is colorblind still sees where is the wine.” Charles de Leusse

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24 November: Don’t buy any wine…..

Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Today is only bloody “Buy Nothing Day” so I pray to the good god Bacchus that you heeded my warnings of yesterday and panic bought as much as you could. Specifically shitloads of wine but also essential co stars like olives, feta and things that tastes predominantly of garlic. (Oh okay then just wine – nutrition is, after all, a somewhat over rated concept in a world full of starving people.)

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For my part I did as I said and hired a van and now have loads of the fucking stuff piled high in the garage, the cellar, the spare room and in Mrs Drink Wine Today’s Private Padded Room for Fridays. (And there’s still some in the back of the van.)

Wine is not only the most awesome drink on the planet but, bought in these type of quantities, it provides insulation to the walls, a decent level of soundproofing against the ear grating sounds of the outside world and a reassuring red glow to the room like in one of those playroom things they (sometimes) put autistic people in.

So tonight, I’m all set and hope you are too. –  whilst all the ‘buy nothing’ hippies sit at home twiddling their thumbs drinking tasteless old water and wondering why the evening is dull, boring and stale – I’m embracing the apocolypse mindset of getting so drunk I miss the whole thing. The YouTube preppers can put their faith in guns and beef jerky – mine is in well fermented grape juice. I might even marinade some olives.

Oh, hold on I didn’t buy any.  And – obviously – I can’t buy any today. Oh well.

Fuck globalisation – just get drunk.

A quote: “And sorrows return, though we drown them with wine,
Since the world can in no way answer our craving,
I will loosen my hair tomorrow and take to a fishing boat.” Li Bai

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25 November: drink to avoid suspicion.

It’s 1947 and Hollywood – full, then as now – of lots of self serving, unprincipled individuals issues a statement saying that it won’t employ anyone with Communist leanings until they learn to rethink their values, beliefs etc etc

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This is the time of The Red Scare and the so-called Hollywood Ten—Alvah Bessie, Herbert Biberman, Lester Cole, Edward Dmytryk, Ring Lardner Jr., John Howard Lawson, Albert Maltz, Samuel Ornitz, Adrian Scott, and Dalton Trumbo—who were all convicted of contempt of Congress after daring to suggest that dragging people before a media circus and haranguing them about their political beliefs wasn’t really the democratic thing to do. Oh, how history has a habit of repeating itself ….

But what of wine? Well the red scare spread like wildfire and soon everyone in Tinseltown was terrified and grassing on others like there was no tomorrow. And so it is if you are foolish enough to run out of red wine late on on a Saturday night – before you know it the fear sets in and wild accusations about who, exactly, is to blame begin to eat at the very foundations of a relationship. Committees may exonerate you later on but the damage is done, the questions continue to linger and you will always suspicions as to your credentials as a committed wine drinker. Don’t let this happen to you. The day after Buy Nothing Day is the perfect day to stockpile and avoid being caught out…..

So, go. Right now. To the shops. And buy, buy, buy

A quote: “The only way of rendering life endurable is to drink as much wine as one can come by.” James Branch Cabell.

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23 November: an extra reason to buy lots of wine.

A little change today – a bus post and not of the usual “Today is xyz day” or whatever it happens to be. No today’s bonus post is  is all about tomorrow. Because tomorrow is Buy Nothing Day. And that obviously means that today must be Buy Loads Of Wine Day.

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So in preparation for tomorrow, phone in sick, withdraw as much cash as you’re allowed to in one single withdrawal, go to the shops and spend it ALL on wine. If you don’t do this then – be warned – tomorrow could turn into a right fucking nightmare.

Ideally take a car – or even better a small van – and aim to fill it up totally. Maybe leave room for a bag of carrots so that you get your essential vegetable vitamins and all that other shit the self appointed experts tell you that you should aim for everyday. (As if I don’t have enough to do ….)

. And expect to have to fight – so maybe take a big stick. Shillelagh are my weapon of choice.  This will be useful.

I’ll see you on the other side …..

A quote: “Religion is a non-alcoholic man’s alcohol. Alcohol is a non-religious man’s religion.” Mokokoma Mokhonoana

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23 November: one glass, two glass, three glass, five ……

Anyone who claims you don’t need maths is obviously an idiot and doesn’t drink nearly enough to be trusted. Why? Because today is Fibonacci Day and that can mean only one thing – instead of the usual one glass of wine, it’s a day to have considerably more.

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Fibonacci, you see, works like this and therefore provides you the perfect mathematical excuse to up the ante a little: one glass is followed by one more, then by two more, then by three and then – this is where it starts to get a little more interesting – then five, then eight, then – if you’re still standing, thirteen. 

November 23 is celebrated as Fibonacci day because when the date is written in the mm/dd format (11/23), the digits in the date form a Fibonacci sequence: 1,1,2,3

It’s all thanks to Leonardo Pisano who was born in 1175 and died around 1250. He came up with the concept in answer to a question about rabbits but don’t let that stop you from using it as an intellectual reason to get drunk whilst looking clever. (The series occurs everywhere in nature – for instance in the Chamomile petals pictured. It will no doubt figure somewhere in the wine making process too. And the getting drunk and sobering up bits.,)

It’s also worth noting that you could also claim to be partying like its 2358 as that’s the next time they’ll be a Fibonacci year. None of all will be here so we have a duty to throw some shapes now. 

A quote: “Wine gives one ‘ideas,’ whereas champagne gives one ‘strategies.” Roman Payne.

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22 November: 17 minutes to drink the wine….

1928 and this day in history saw the premier performance of Ravel’s Bolero take place in Paris. Now – thanks to the Dudley Moore/ Bo Derek film we all know it’s 17 minutes long and – apparently – the perfect duration for a shag.

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So, just in a bid to revisit my youth, I thought I’d look on YouTube for a clip of Bo Derek running along a beach in slow motion to the Bolero but I sort of got sidetracked by this clip of attractive women belly dancing to it whilst quivering and balancing stuff on their heads (and breasts.). Bizarrely – considering how many views, say,  a Kanye West acting like a cock video gets, this has only had 6676 views.  (The world bewilders me.)

Anyway – the world of work now calls (after a couple more viewings of the belly dance video it does anyway)  but when I return – and have watched it a few more times in slow motion to fully appreciate the control of those core muscles to successfully balance that sword – I’ll bang on a less controversial recording of Ravel’s masterpiece for when Mrs Drink Wine Today returns home and set to seeing if 17 minutes is indeed the perfect time for love making. (Not bragging but I think I can manage that AND a large glass of red in that time.)

A quote: “Jon:’What are you doing up there? Why aren’t you at the feast?’

Tyrion: ‘Too hot, too noisy, and I’d drunk too much wine’, the dwarf told him. ‘I learned long ago that it is considered rude to vomit on your brother.”  Game of Thrones. twitter   Instagram_Icon_Small