15 February: the wolf god of wine street.

Yesterday was Valentines Day but,as we said yesterday, everyone drinks wine for that and we have a duty as committed followers of Bacchus to be a little more creative than all the other boring bastards.

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Well today is the Pagan Valentines Day known as Lupercalia. Lupercus, you see, is a god (and maybe a wolf? I don’t know, I can’t work it out and I’ve sadly got to get to work and religious stuff always confuses me anyway) and he’s a bit like the Roman god Faunus who in turn is a bit like the Greek god Pan. Don’t get too bogged down in it – none of these fairy tale entities are real after all and my image above suggests it’s about the goddess rather than the god. (Lol, these pagan types don’t know whether they’re coming or going.)

But the 15th February is the day that they dedicated his temple and, thus, is an excellent excuse to get drunk, have sex and then have a bit more to drink. (Lupercus, Fauna and Pan probably all enjoyed getting pissed and shagging around a bit anyway so we’re on ‘safe historical ground’ here without having to bother researching anything or learning some ancient language.)

Have fun – like as if, on a day that’s all about mindless sex and drinking you could manage not to.

A quote: “It’s a smile, it’s a kiss, it’s a sip of wine … it’s summertime!” Kenny Chesney.

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14 February: 50 Shades of Wine (and Reason.)

Remember when we had to open wine on the 8th of Feb to remember how the mad Christians had sentenced Giordano Bruno to death because he’d dared to suggest that the moon wasn’t made of cheese?

Well today we get a little bit of revenge by poking fun at Christian fiction. (Christian fiction – if you’ve never read any – is truly ridiculous. Full disclosure: I’ve never read any but I have looked at it and it’s bound to be ridiculous because their only non fiction book, The Bible, is obviously fiction to begin with and with this as a starting point it has to follow that whatever it ‘begets’ is even more ridiculous.)

So okay, okay it’s Valentines Day but everybody knows that anyway and this site aims to be slightly different. Remember – we, as wine drinkers have a duty to be creative and unique and to celebrate – or at least remember – the things that other people don’t. So for today, think back to 2015 and all the hype that surrounded the Valentine’s Day release of the 50 Shades of Grey movie. I’ve not seen it, it’s probably crap and drinking wine in handcuffs is too hard to be bothered with all that BDSM shizzle.

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But even that’s a bit mainstream for us wine drinkers. So let’s throw a curve ball into the mix and finally get that revenge we mentioned earlier by using a single piece of Christian writing to prove – in the Very Unscientific Way they like – how oddball all religious thinking is.

Because, as you know this site triumphs reason and science and doesn’t have too much time for religious mumbo jumbo but occasionally they (religious folk) do things so mixed up, so barkingly mad that its worth opening a bottle of wine just to commemorate the totally lost the plotness of religious types. (And thus commemorate the great martyrs of reason and science they’ve killed along the way for refusing to say God lives in a big gingerbread house in the sky …..)

And so I give you Eternal Shades Of Christ – a Christian version of fifty shades with St John as the main character and no whips or ropes in sight. (It’s real, it really is; some Christian I work with read it and says it’s ‘great’ – you can buy it on Amazon!) Released on Valentines Day to compete with the filthy version and well worth remembering…..

They’re truly bonkers but – in a funny kind of way – you gotta love ’em. (And Islam – equally bonkers – is banning Valentine’s Day in some countries as it’s somehow unreligious to show other people you love them. I’m glad I’m an atheist.)

A quote: “Wine enters through the mouth,
Love, the eyes.
I raise the glass to my mouth,
I look at you,
I sigh.”

WB Yeats.

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13 February. Wine: it’s gonna get loud.

The day before Valentines Day is Tortellini day. And Tortellini – just like Valentines Day – is a perfect excuse to drink loads of wine. There’s something about the way wine can turn up the volume of a pasta dish to 11 that, afterwards, makes trying to eat pasta minus wine becomes some horrendous ordeal designed to make you feel that life is empty and shite.

To avoid this existential angst then I always consume any pasta dish with three bottles of wine to ensure that the volume is turned up to a refreshing 33 and I’d recommend that you follow my example today to see the wisdom of my words. (If you’ve not got Tortellini though just substitute something else instead – it won’t make any difference. Or don’t even bother with the food bit at all – ‘nutrition’ being an over rated buzzword anyway – and just head straight to the wine. In a paradoxical way, simply drinking wine without bothering with all the faff of food turns up the volume of a meal to near a hundred. )

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And also, it’s apparently ‘Galentines Day’ when gals tell other gals close to them what great gal friends they are. All a bit made up and daft I reckon – but the good news is – no matter how made up and daft the world becomes, wine compliments it perfectly.

A quote: ” For at the end of the day, what happens is never the wine, it’s always the moment, it’s always the people.”

Olivier Magny

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12 February. Evolution – from sober thing to drunken genius.

We are a site for wine drinkers and we are a site that sides towards all things scientific and rational. (Except when it suits us to do a saint day, obviously.) But today is a day for one of the patron saints of science, reason and cool beards – it’s Darwin Day for Charles “Mr Evolution” Darwin. And to demonstrate the accuracies of his theories we will be demonstrating the slow but definite march of change by starting the evening off sober but then – by evolving to match the intake of wine – we’ll turn into something different altogether: a drunken genius.

darwin-dayThis site now has a theme tune. It’s HERE. Click it and read. It adds a majesty to the crap I write.

This – for anyone who doubts science and evolution – shall provide proof that evolution is real and that things like Gods, arks and intelligent design is shite. ( Last year some pro god type sent me Twitter messages about evolution being the work of the devil, let’s hope he’s reading today.)

A quote: “There must be always wine and fellowship or we are truly lost.” Ann Fairbairn.

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11 February: drunkenly fighting back against surveillance.

Today in 2014 was “The Day We Fight Back” – an internet protest about mass surveillance online. It appears that it only happened once but led to the usual suspects of GCHQ and the NSA being bombarded with e mails and such like.

Not surprisingly, I’m anti surveillance (and anti The Powers That Be,) but my attempt to put them off the scent of who you are / what interests you involves simply getting very very drunk on wine and viewing lots of sites that probably don’t really interest you, buying stuff on e bay you don’t want and sending ‘Fuck You’ style e mails to the boss. (This makes it virtually impossible for anyone to make a meaningful profile of who you are – unless of course this is your normal pattern of chaotic use of the worldwide web in which case it’ll just reinforce their idea that you’re someone they should monitor. But, in that case, at least you have the pleasure of being drunk.)

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But I don’t really care – I’m far too drunk for undermining the system. But I love the idea. (In fact don’t just say No to mass surveillance, say no to everything, especially sobriety and water. )

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10 February: New Delhi, wine and savasana.

Today in 1939 New Delhi became the capital of India. and why is that a reason to drink wine? Well, in truth, it’s probably not but it does give us a chance to listen to The Mountain Goats – one of my favourite bands- sing their rip roaring (and fantastically titled) song “I meant every word I said in New Delhi.”

Listen to its genius Here.

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Whenever there is doubt about reasons to open a bottle of wine then the mere fact that The Mountain Goats exist and consistently make fantastic music like this is a good enough reason to open not one but two or three bottles. One of the best games is to speckle your conversation with their clever sounding lyrics and watch people think you’re either a genius or a total fruitcake.

There is, as we know, a very fine line between the two. . .

A quote: “Maybe it’s the Californian Zinfandel.” The Mountain Goats.

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9 February: the Verdi Sacramento incident.

Here’s a great (and sadly forgotten) anniversary to make it necessary to open up a grand bottle of vino. Today in 1891 the first shipment of asparagus arrived in San Francisco from Sacramento.

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And here – just to show that this site isn’t just cobbled together over salted peanuts, olives and multiple bottles of multi buy wine offers (although it may at times seem like that) – here is the actual report of this monumental event from HERE.

But – seeing as everyone except Jamie the Satanist and someone who writes a far better blog about VENICE ever clicks in let alone bothers to follow links, this is what it says:

“FIRST ASPARAGUS TO ARRIVE TODAY Initial Shipment of Delta Delicacy Will Be Hurried to Eastern Markets.

Southern Pacific transportation men today expect to receive the first asparagus of the season from the river district. This will be turned over to “Wells Fargo company for shipment Fast, it being the advance movement of the crop, which reaches such great proportions throughout the delta country. Some few crates already have moved to San Francisco, where they have been sold at prices ranging from 15 cents to 30 cents per pound. The first of the California asparagus always is routed East. After the Eastern price drops so that shipment no longer is profitable the product is turned over to the canneries. Although tile canneries last season put up more than the usual amount, they are practically cleaned of stock at present, the Libby, McNeil & Libby people reporting that they have no asparagus left on hand. Therefore all of the canneries expect to make a large run on asparagus this coming spring. The celery shipping season is at an end, and although the crop was not up to expectations, the prices received in the East were so uniformly high that the growers made a good profit. The shortage in the crop was due to the cold weather and rains of January. Early estimates called for 500 cars of celery from the Walnut Grove district, the actual shipments totaled between 300 and 400 cars. Prices ranged from 35 cents to 75 cents more per crate than the quotations for several years past.”

And -and this is the mind-blowingly interesting bit of the post – on the exact same day in the exact same year Verdi premiered the opera Falstaff in Milan.

Coincidence? Come on, this is the internet, I don’t fucking think so.

Conspiracy? Obviously! We just don’t know what about – but don’t let that stop you pulling on your tinfoil hat, listening to opera, eating something green and getting splendidly pissed on wine until you can work out something of what this means. Was Verdi the real first man on the moon? Was Saint Princess Diana killed by asparagus hitmen? Who knows. But somewhere though, the truth is out there.

I want to believe. Cheers

A quote: “All worries are less with wine.” Amit Kalantri

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8 February: a toast to reason.

It’s a sad day today but it does enable us to open up a bottle of wine to commemorate one of this site’s great heroes: Giordano Bruno.

Today in 1600 the Vatican sentenced the scholar (and voice of reason and science) to death. Religion – as always when confronted by science, reason and truth – did what it always does : shit itself and went into overdrive and burned him alive.

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Twitter, WordPress and the like being what they are, I occasionally get followers who clearly have no idea whatsoever that this is a site of drunken, atheist random ideas all cobbled together to enable like-minded people to drink even more than they would have in the first place free from the threat of eternal damnation.

They mistake titles like ‘Mary, Mary mother of wine’ as some long and divine pledge to a mythical virgin imploring her to deliver us from world poverty and lust. (Quite how they wind up thinking this is beyond me, but they do – I got some rambling buffoon sending me Intelligent Design nonsense on Twitter last year.)

Hopefully a large picture of Bruno – hero of science and reason – will help them get the message that I’ve only got time for the truth of the vine not chakra style mumbo jumbo.

To Giordano, to physics, to truth…..

A quote:

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7 February: the wine and the tramp.

Today: think about Charlie Chaplin – he’s a bit of a hero of mine. In fact I’d go as far as to say that whenever you absolutely can’t think of a valid reason to open a bottle of vino ( and the internet is down so you can’t get on this site) just say you’re opening one to commemorate a world that was blessed by the genius of Chaplin.

And today you don’t even have to invent a Chaplin themed reason because today in 1914 something truly remarkable concerning Chaplin really did occur – he debuted the character of The Tramp in the movie “Kid Auto Races At Venice.” The rest is history.

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You can watch it HERE.

In fact you should actually watch it – it’s fucking fantastic. Have you watched the amazing footage of Elon Musk’s rocket launchers touching down again in perfect unison and go “Wow, this is awesome!” Well this is like that – only magnified. That will affect only affect space travel and Musk’s public platform to constantly tell everyone we’re in a computer simulation. But this – this appearance of a little underdog with a hat and a cane – changed comedy and movies forever. Sadly it’s upload to YouTube has only had a quarter of a million views though because all the modern kids just watch non stop porn and Kim Karwhateverhernameis talking about her arse. But this here, my friend, is cinema history in the making: it’s unbelievably high quality and the most fascinating thing is how ‘fully formed’ the whole character is. In fact I’m so overwhelmed by it I’ve already bought a case of wine in for this evening and told work I won’t be in the day after due to a “medical appointment.”

You should do likewise. Chaplin – although maybe a little ‘up himself’ in real life, on film remains a genius. (Read his autobiography, it’s ace.)

And a quote: “Thus, in the boy’s mind, drink and destruction braided together. Intoxication, he concluded, was a swift and effective catalyst for havoc.” Kelsey Brickl.

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6 February: pass Go and collect a beautiful bottle of wine.

Today in 1935 Monopoly (as manufactured by the Parker Brothers Company) went on sale for the first time. Now – no doubt older and wiser than you were when you first day down to play it – think of all the time you’ve probably wasted playing it and arguing about stuff like house rules and rents when you could have been engaged in much more worthwhile activities like drinking wine.

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The good news is that the two activities aren’t mutually exclusive and today can be celebrated by inviting your most attractive (and obviously drunken) friends around and spending the evening trying to send them to jail or swindle them out of cash until you’re all so drunk you don’t actually care. This is the way us wine drinkers celebrate everything after all. (It also appears to be the way city high rollers live their lives for real so tiptoeing into their lives as role play is an exciting way to unleash your inner wanker – sorry, banker.)

You can always use corks and foils instead of the boring non wine related counters too. And, yes (I’ve just googled it) – there is a wine version.

Have a wonderful day! I’m now off to work – hence the short post. I’ll do better tomorrow!

A quote: ” My objection to war was not that I had to kill somebody or be killed senselessly, that hardly mattered. What I objected to was to be denied the right to sit in a small room and starve and drink cheap wine and go crazy in my own way and at my own leisure.” Bukowski

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