21 October: In a multiverse far far away I am The Wine King.

This site is a labour of love – it’s about finding exciting and internationally important events ( Necktie Day and Cinnamon Bun Day to name but two recent events all but ignored by the mainstream media) AND then somehow connecting them to some codswallop reason to open up some wine. There are lots of similar sites which explore historical shizzle but they all appear to make the same schoolboy error of thinking anybody actually – like, really – gives a crap about who invaded where, when, using what strategies and for what reasons.

Christ, (Allah, Shiva, whichever fairytale god you fancy) –  I don’t have time for any of that; I’ve got some life affirming wine to uncork.

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And some days, believe it or not, very little of any importance happens – sure maybe Mussolini had his birthday or some country declared independence from another but nothing that warrants getting sloshed on vino. Life rule : don’t waste wine celebrating fascist twats. (Is ‘twat’ an international word or just British? I don’t know (Mrs Seductive Venice – who writes a proper blog – will probably tell me after I enlightened her some months  ago about the word ‘Numpty) so just to give some context, it’s defined amongst other things as ‘a person who’s obnoxious and / or stupid.’ ie Mussolini, Trump, Blair, Bush, your boss etc etc. Very close to a Numpty actually – only with a delightfully harder edge for shouting at demonstrations.)

Anyway I digress a little; so suitable internationally important events can be difficult to hunt down and then, just like buses, today two strategically and globally important days roll up together and both of them are suitable for celebrating with a bottle of wine. (So that’s three bottles then – one for each and one for luck.) It’s Apple Day in the UK. Or as I prefer to call it Grape Day because in an alternate UK universe the whole country is positioned slightly differently on the globe and basking in a perfect temperature to create wines with names like The Wine of St George, Her Majesty’s Mighty Wine and Beefeater Wine. (I am known there as The Wine King.) So by celebrating Apple Day on behalf of wine drinkers you are actually celebrating the power of quantum multiverse science as well any my double life as a drunken monarch – a double win!

And it’s International Day Of the Nachos. And that is the perfect dish to go alongside your apple, oh hold on – sorry – your fermented grape juice. So Nachos and wine it is. (This site also sorts your meal planning out too  – something Historyisrightinteresting.com probably doesn’t do.)

So what you waiting for? Don’t be a numpty – get the bottle open.

God Save The Queen and the refried beans and all that.

And finally a quote:

“Wine, it’s in my veins and I can’t get it out.” – Burgess Meredith

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20 October: exploring the kama sutra whilst drunk.

We like to celebrate the eccentric geniuses of the world on Drink Wine Today and today in 1890 was the day that Richard Francis Burton died. Poet, swordsman, adventurer, atheist and all round genius type. (Every thing we like really.) His whole life demands an evening of getting drunk to celebrate the rages and passions that powered his entire existence.

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He disguised himself as an Arab and entered Mecca, spoke about 25 languages fluently and scandalised Victorian society with his translation of ancient writings like the Kama Sutra. (An aside: here’s a link to a fantastic project creating a full Kama Sutra Font – nothing to do with Burton but the graphics are cool.) He also set up house with a troupe of monkeys in the hope that he could learn to speak chimp. Top man!

And, as we’re remembering a death here, it’s worth pointing out that even his tomb has a tremendous genius about it (You can read about it HERE.)

Probably fair to say then  that Mr Burton had quite a wild life and, quite possibly consumed quite a bit of wine on his adventurous travels. We should drink an extra bottle (or two) today to remember that life is there to be lived to the max.

R.I.P Sir Richard Francis Burton.

” I have to think hard to name an interesting man who doesn’t drink.” (The other) Richard Burton.

And, not wine related, but because I like it: “If you’re going to make rubbish, be the best rubbish in it.” Also, (the other) Richard Burton.

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19 October: Dignity – it’s all in the bottle.

Have you ever had a really crap day at work or a run in with the boss and then being reduced to selling your dignity by getting drunk on lager or beer or, worst of all, just having to storm off to the water cooler and drink that generic, clear stuff the anorexics seem to like? (Almost as bad as being caught topping up the little paper cone thing with wine by that teetotal hippie who wears those rainbow tie dye jumper things and suggests you just need to get your chakras sorted (man) and then detox your anger ridden system with life giving, crystal clear H2O.)

What a waste of time.

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I mean – do I look like an undignified and superstitious peasant who wants to base his life on omens and superstitions diluted with H- fucking – 2 – fucking -O? Of course not.

And today, funnily enough, is a day dedicated to dignity – it’s Global Dignity Day! Time then to start handling these kind of bad day hiccups in a more adult way. (And to stop wearing patchwork juggling trousers in public and talking about medieval ideas like chakras and yin / yang energy pathways to people you meet in work corridors.)

How?

Simple – don’t waste your time drowning life’s inevitable disappointments (or triumphs) with adolescent alcoholic beverages or the big unenvironmentally sound water cooler. Instead ‘go large’ and instantly reach for the noble beauty of fermented grape juice.

You’re worth it. Any toss pot can throw together some hops and a bit of yeast in a tub or dangle some bucket under a spring but it takes a genius to delicately handle the juice of grapes and turn them into nectar. And it takes a fantastic person to drink them to quietly drown the memory of a bad day.

Wine – it’s fucking fantastic!

A quote: “You should celebrate the end of a love affair as they celebrate death in New Orleons – with songs, laughter and A LOT of wine.” Francoise Sagan.

(One of my favourite quotes!) 

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18 October: acting sophisticated with neckties and wine.

It’s Neck Tie Day today. Or at least it is if you live in Croatia. But – even if you don’t – don’t let that stand in the way of introducing a little sophistication and formality into those segments of your life where you’ve let standards slip.

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Take – for instance – getting rat-arsed on wine. It’s easy to slip into a pattern of just doing this noble pursuit in jeans and tee shirt or some oversized loungewear. But today, my friend, today is the day to change all of that.

Look up a Croatian accent on a strange video like this one and then put on a necktie or a scarf if you’re female. (Or a necktie – I don’t care; I’m all for gender equality.) Or don’t bother with a tie at all – it’s all,as you know, actually about those grapes. 

Then – tie or no tie – do all the ‘proper’ stuff you don’t generally bother with.

Comb your hair.

Have a shave.

Lay the table.

Put something classy on the hi fi  –  All The Wine by The National is good reminding us, as it does from the very first line, that we (wine drinkers) are put together beautifully and that life is a poetic festival to be lived like angels..

And then -finally, your angelic wings fully unfurled,  – ease the cork  out of the bottle. 

And, instead of the usual rantings and arguments, try to be civil and talk about intellectual things like which circle of Dante’s Hell your boss should languish in for eternity and how global warming is a fucking nightmare for mankind etc etc.

Go on you can do this – let your channeled angel be tall, Croatian, ever so slightly drunk and wearing a necktie. ( Nothing sets off a good pair of imagined wings like a glass of red and a loud tie.)

And a quote to recite as you drink: “There’s truth in wine, and there may be some in gin and muddy beer; but whether it’s truth worth my knowing, is another question.” George Elliot.

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17 October: Paying homage to the boss whilst drunk.

Today is – apparently – Boss Day. I mean is that a good thing? A day to celebrate the bosses of the world? As if they don’t get enough days when the whole universe seems to revolve around their every whim and desire?

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So yes, I’m going to acknowledge Boss Day but probably not in the way they want their minions to ie by throwing my hands up in the air and exclaiming that everything they do is genius. My other reader, Jamie The Satanist, put a thing on Facebook the other day saying something like: “How to seem more adult at work – replace the words “Fuck Off” with “Ok, that sounds great.”

And I tried it in a meeting last week – furiously nodding as they spoke their diatribe of shite and then just periodically saying ‘Great’ and they suddenly looked much more terrified than when I used to kick off and tell them they were out of touch. If I’d have known how difficult they’d find this type of disengagement I’d have done it years ago. Next meeting I might try a high five.

So, anyhow because I detest authority in all its forms, I’m going to celebrate today by getting a photo of my boss, putting it on a dartboard and throwing darts at it whilst I get thoroughly drunk on wine. In fact I’m aiming to get so drunk that I’ll have to phone in sick tomorrow, they’ll have to cover my job and suddenly see all the crap I have to put up with whilst trying to deliver their badly worked out plans of efficiency and improvement.

I might even mock up a cork voodoo doll and stab it with a corkscrew. (Jamie will have these kind of things lying around in his black Baphomet bedroom)

So , yeah – Boss Day – a great idea if you need a reason to get drunk and let your dark side reign. I’m on it: pass me the sharp things…..

And a quote: 

“Wine is like rain: when it falls on the mire it but makes it fouler, but when it strikes the good soil wakes it to beauty and bloom.” – John May

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16 October: think food, think wine. 

Today is World Food Day – which is great but it is also a day which would be totally devoid of meaning if the world did not possess bucket loads of wine to wash all that food down with.

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Imagine, if you will, an ancient world where the only thing to drink alongside food was – hold on because I struggle to even type the word – w – i – n

No, wait a second that’s wrong; let me have another go …..

W- a- t -w -i -n –

Ok, okay; I slipped. Let me call the teenage son – expert at all things electronic and internet based – and I’ll dictate the word to him.

W – a -t -p -o -r -n -h – u – 

Ok, that didn’t work either. Let’s just copy and paste it from elsewhere: water. There. Easy.

So, imagine, if you will, an ancient world where the only thing to drink alongside food was water?

I mean like how the fuck is anybody meant to enjoy a pizza or a risotto or some olives when the only thing to sip alongside them is boring old water. It’s simply not possible – you may as well chew on cardboard or cat litter.

But then at some point – thank the pagan gods of  wine – an unknown genius let some grapes ferment in a cask and the rest is history. Suddenly there was a point to standing around inventing recipes and fantastic foods : they showcased the endless richness and mystery of wine.  And that realisation, in turn, let to the realisation that eating repetitive meals of gruel and millet speckled with minced mammoth was something best left to the less developed homo teetotallians down the road  – the ones who lived in the funless cave of blackness with the magnolia walls. 

And now, thousands and thousands of years later, we are here – in a world where we can buy wine every single day – sometimes even ‘on offer’ or in those big cardboard boxes (cardbordeaux) – and we have a World Food Day to celebrate all of the above.  

And what I actually wanted to point out was that World Food Day is obviously, actually, in point of fact – World Wine Day. Because without wine we couldn’t celebrate food and would all still be sat in that funless cave reading religious tracts and gagging on the blandness of water. 

So grab yourself pizza, grab yourself tapenade but make sure you also grab wine. Lots of it. In fact don’t necessarily bother with the food.

Today’s quote: 

Wine speaks to all the senses: the eyes behold the color, tone, and shade; the nose, the bouquet, the fingers and lips caress the cool crystal; the ears delight in the subtle swishing of the liquid; the tongue rejoices in the reward of a rich harvest.” – Mary Lou Posch.

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15 October: Trump versus Virgil over a glass of wine.

The Roman poet Virgil was born today in 70 bc and, as he was a great man who knew a thing or two about producing memorable soundbites (and about living life to the max) then we – as a tribe of wine drinkers – are obligated to drink wine to commemorate his birthday.

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In the Trump /Twitter time we live in  where any old bollocks that springs into your head at 5:30 am on your way to the bathroom seems like it’s worth releasing into the wild, Virgil reminds us that well thought out words carry a timeless weight.

Let’s contrast:

“Obama is, without question, the WORST EVER president. I predict he will now do something really bad and totally stupid to show manhood!” @realDonaldTrump June 6 2014

(It can only be presumed that “grabbing them by the pussy” doesn’t qualify as bad or stupid?!)

or

“Fear is a proof of the degeneracy of the mind.” Virgil, about 30 b c


 

“It’s freezing and snowing in New York. We need global warming.” @realDonaldTrump 7 November 2012

or

“Happy the man who has been able to learn the causes of things.” Virgil, about 30bc.


“The U.S. cannot allow EBOLA infected people back. People that go to far away places to help out are great-but must suffer the consequences!” @realDonaldTrump August 2 2014

or

“Fortune sides with him who dares.” Again, Virgil, about 30 bc


 

The Virgil quotes* are clearly those of a man who understood the exquisite beauty of sitting with friends, getting pleasantly and slowly drunk whilst embracing life for the transient beast it is. Spend it with the best bottle of vino you can afford and the people you love the most, hunting for some of the wisdom that the likes of Virgil found. These, after all,  are the real reasons for wine.

And – as you’re one of the few people who actually bother to read this – I’ll drink a special glass to you – my good, online friends tonight. “No day shall erase you from the memory of time” or from my toast as I uncork tonight’s bottle.  

Cheers.

(*The Donald Trump quotes – in contrast –  are clearly those of Donald Trump – a man bravely committing his battle with a failing prostate and dementia into some kind of online performance art piece played out in the biggest office in the world.)

 And finally today’s quote (dedicated to all my managers.) : “Oh, meet is the reverence unto Bacchus paid! We will praise him still in the songs of our fatherland. We will pour the sacred wine, the chargers lade, and the victim kid shall unresisting stand, led by his horns to the altar, where we turn the hazel spits while the dripping entrails burn.”  Virgil.

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14 October. The tick mark of quality – wine. 

The 14th of October is World Standards Day. It’s the day we celebrate that if we buy something that says it’s a telephone it’ll make calls through available networks and isn’t actually some useless piece of shit that connects to NASA,  reminds you to get a haircut but can only get a signal if you stand right below a mobile phone mast slap bang next to the ‘Free brain tumour radiation’ sign.

So, hurrah for standards. (Useless stuff can be made to work in you favour though; the aforementioned communicatively challenged device is the contact number I give to my workplace to be sure of being permenantly unavaible for emergency cover etc.)

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And what of beverages? Wine, obviously is the king of all drinks and so passes every single test thrown at it – refreshing, enlightening and convivial.

But what of the rest? What of beer? Of alcopops? And – worst of all – water! Surely there’s some professional body that could come down like a tonne of bricks on these charlatans and imposters that do nothing except hydrate you. (I mean like what use is that – I want giddy rushes of love, mindless intoxication and pseudo intellectual discussions about everything. Mere hydration -as I tell my kids as they pant at me to buy them sugary soda on hot days – is over rated.) 

When was the last hot kiss or meeting of minds you had after a glass of water? Exactly – it’s over rated hype. The Harvey Weinstein style predators that bottle it should be called to account over their promises of better performance, hotter bodies and kinship to dolphins.

In fact does anyone have a toll free number to report them for what they are – worthless rubbish? 

Until I find one I’m only celebrating World Standards Day with the highest standard of all – fermented grape juice, Bacchus standard: wine. Everything else will be measured against it. (Up until this point, it has never lost.)

So, let’s get drunk. #Quality, as they say on Twitter.

A quote: ”  is the thinking person’s health drink.” Dr Phillip Norrie

 

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13 October: be ready for the shit hitting the fan. (Stash wine.) 

It’s the International Day for Natural Disaster Reduction today. Earthquakes, volcanoes and all that kind of stuff. But the thing is none of these cause me sleepless nights. I can live with the randomness of nature and death. 

But – take a deep breath here and maybe sit down or steady yourself on something -let me tell you a disaster that fills me with real deep seated and aching fear:  imagine running out of wine.

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Imagine if you will that the shops were closed and you were forced to do something truly humiliating and demeaning like having to drink water or soda. I think – on reflection – that I’d rather just get dehydrated and wait for the next day or pray to the old testament god for a plague or something to end the agony. 

So with that in mind PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE – take time right now  to prepare a battle plan for how to get some fermented grapes handy in times of crisis. Hide a few bottles in places you don’t go very much or give some to a trusted (teetotal) friend who you can contact when the lights go out. ( Is a teetotalers friend even a thing?! Not in my friendship group.)

Remember: a thousand mile journey starts with one step. Prepare and stay safe.

A quote:

“Drink wine, and you will sleep well. Sleep, and you will not sin. Avoid sin, and you will be saved. Ergo, drink wine and be saved.” Medieval German saying.

 

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12 October: the most drunken man in the world. 

12th of October is also known as the Feast for the Life of Aleister Crowley Day or – more usually – simply Crowleymas.

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Embodying many of the attributes I like in interesting people – magician, eccentric, one off, possible genius, possible nutcase – Crowley went under the title of the most wicked man in the world. The establishment didn’t really like him and, for that reason alone, we DO quite like him.

And, as there’s a day that has the letters ‘mas’ at the end of it that doesn’t require you to cover yourself in gilded guilt  and whip yourself with a holy book, it seems a shame to waste it by doing nothing. So why not have a celebratory glass of wine to either celebrate the life of The King of Wicked or to celebrate that he’s now dead. (It doesn’t matter either way as long as it results in drunkenness and partying. I’m sure Crowley would agree.)

And here’s a link to my colleague’s demonology  blog if you fancy picking up some tricks of the trade. Today a bottle of wine, tomorrow the world…..

Anyway – good, bad or thoroughly evil – have a Merry Crowleymas and I’ll see you tomorrow to find a reason to do it all again. The only certainty is that it’ll involve wine. 

A quote: “Thou wine art the friend of the friendless, though a foe to all.” Herman Melville

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