12 August: Drinking Wine with Tom Cruise.

Scientologists – they’re a bit weird . Do they even drink? Do they read this site? Who knows.  (Well actually I do now know because I’ve just returned from an internet black hole of making the mistake of Googling Scientology. Don’t do it – before you know it you’ve wasted 45 minutes watching TomCruise behave in the thoroughly bizarre manner on chat shows because somebody suggested anti depressants might work for some people or, alternatively, act like someone who’s lost the plot on Oprah Winfrey – a masterclass in the type of manic wide eyed stares and hyper laughter that should be shown to all children in schools in the class “Understanding The Body Language Of People You Should Not Trust As Far As You Can Throw Them.”

(This site now has a theme tune. It’s HERE. Click it and read. It adds a majesty to the crap I write.)

I’ve no more against Tom and his ilk than I have against any other religion and to be fair to Scientology it does appear that they are at least allowed to drink. But not during ‘auditing’ as it interferes with the results which, as we all know are nonsense anyway. (We know this because it uses a bonkers Electrodiagnostic Device called an E meter. Seeing as Tom likes to read up on stuff before he fixes people who disagree with him with his steely eyes of doom he might like to read this on the fantastic Quackwatch site.) Contact me Tom, we’ll chat and Mrs Drink Wine Today will audit you properly (and for free) with her “Where the fuck have you been til this time” eyes.


But what has all this got to do with the matter at hand, the matter of having some mock reason to open up some wine and get drunk? Well today is Sea Org Day and, apparently, it’s a big day for Scientologists. According to Wikipedia :

“Sea Org Day is a special event for all Sea Organization members, with rank and rating promotion ceremonies. It has been alleged by former members that recreational Sea Org Day events are mandatory: one ex-Scientologist claims “the one day a year you are supposed to get the day off, you are made to go on a bus to the beach, be there for roll call, participate in group games, etc.”

I’ve no idea what sort of ‘group games’ Tom and the clan participate in either but the ones I like best include an assortment of wine glasses, a big cardboard box* of wine and some friends with the same mindset as me that orbits around various states of being pissed. (I’m not bothered if they’re on anti depressants or know Katie Holmes.)

Who knows we might watch Top Gun or something as well just to make the whole thing seem more authentic.

(Apparently Scientology monitor the net for stuff about them. I hope they find this and forward it to Tom with one of those High Importance flags on it. Luckily my kids are schooled in the aforementioned  “Understanding The Body Language Of People You Should Not Trust As Far As You Can Throw Them.” and he’ll get exactly the same treatment of other peddlers of fairytales who turn up at the door and be politely told that we are not a house of peasants scrambling around in a land of omens and superstition and he should therefore be on his way. With a bit of luck we’ll be so drunk we won’t even hear the doorbell.)

* Once you’ve finished with the box you can use it to make your own e meter and, on another drunken night, use it to measure how many ancient aliens are living inside of you. #Result.)


And finally a quote from the genius of Jim Harrison (who I suspect would not have had time for Scientology:)  “The only advice I can give to aspiring writers is don’t do it unless you’re willing to give your whole life to it. Red wine and garlic also helps.”

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