10 August: wine, sinking ships and the wonders of time. 

All the things that orbit around you in the modern world – bosses, people in general, Kanye West in particular and all of that fucking tech –  can often seem like a bit of a nightmare. Projects tumble and good intentions slip away into the night and, before you know it, you’re ordering ANOTHER bottle of wine in some plush bar at two in the morning with that hot Turkish creature who only started at work last week. They’ve fallen for – or at least they’re pretending to have fallen for –  the line that you’re 34 and in a bit of an ‘awkward phase’ that is the fault of everybody else but you.  But, no worries, idiotic situations like this are exactly the type of things that wine was created for – to make all life’s disasters easier to stomach and all the (inevitable) triumphs even sweeter.

(This site now has a theme tune. It’s HERE. Click it and read. It adds a majesty to the crap I write.)

And, most importantly,  your awkward ‘things not working out phase’ really isn’t your fault. (As you told the hot Turk, it’s everyone else. Obviously. They’re all bastards.) Because this sort of thing can happen to anyone, even sometimes to whole nations. Things just sometimes creep up on you or implode in front of your eyes and make you look a right dick. But history tells us that there’s no reason to let these type of little hiccups get you down: with time (and copious amounts of wine) you’ll recover and get on with it. (The hot Turk will likewise discover you’re not 34 and wander off with some 26 year old tosspot who can’t cook, drinks lager and is fascinatingly generic in bed. A vanilla life beckons…..)

Question: How do I know this?

Answer: Sweden.

Today in 1628 Sweden turned out in droves to watch as their brand spanking new warship the Vasa sailed out of Stockholm harbour under a glittery cloud of hype. They’d no doubt convinced themselves that within a few short months they’d be ruling the waves, all the disputed land masses and the whole world would be waxing lyrical about ten year old fermented fish served on tree bark.

20 minutes later it sank.

Cue Sweden being the laughing stock of planet Earth for a little while.

But then – less than 500 short years later –  they’ve pulled the whole thing back and given the world Abba and Mamma Mia and silver jump suits. Who, exactly, is laughing now? Who, exactly, ever mentions ‘the awkward Vasa incident?’

No one. That’s who: no one.

And that’s why we can drink, party and lie to hot Turks as much as we like because our drunken perspective has shown us that the same “Stockholm Mechanism” will sooner or later kick in for us and all our ‘Vasa Moments’ will be forgotten in the genius of our upcoming ‘Abba Triumph.’

The winner takes it all. (And all that…..)

So have faith:  drink some wine; toast the disaster of the Vasa! And have faith that your genius will one day ride the waves of glory.

Because you, after all, you rock! As does wine. As does time. Together we’re invincible.

A quote:

“There is nothing like wine for conjuring up feelings of contentment and goodwill. It is less of a drink than an experience, an evocation, a spirit. It produces sensations that defy description.” — Thomas Conklin, Wine: A Primer

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