6 July: the malted food drink of rebels – wine.

Remember all those days when you were a kid and, on the occasions you were under the weather or just having a bad day, some kindly adult would make you a soothing, comforting beverage to make life seem better. It was probably Horlicks and, as luck would have it, today in 1886 was the day that Horlick’s of Wisconsin first offered their remarkable malted milk drink to the public.

(This site now has a theme tune. It’s HERE. Click it and read. It adds a majesty to the crap I write.)

When you’re super young or a pensioner who thinks staying up past 10 pm is a wild, wild night it’s a great thing. (I’m certainly not here to knock a non alcoholic way to get through the day for people who aren’t brave enough to get drunk – each to their own, after all. If they  want a boring, lack lustre, passionless life that’s up to them.)

But, for the rest of us, Horlicks sort of served us a lie – that the way to respond to life’s little hiccups and injustices was to cup something malty and warm in your hands, think about log cabins and drift off into peaceful dreamscapes. But as you get older you soon realise that the ACTUAL way to respond to life’s little hiccups and injustices is to be as theatrical as possible and, when that’s over, get as drunk as possible whilst slagging off everyone who,  like, ever made your day anything less than ABSOLUTELY FUCKING PERFECT. And finally go to sleep with the taste of wine on your lips mumbling that they are all fuckers. (Ideally wake up every few hours and shake your fist at the sky for added effect.)

In the morning absolutely nothing will have changed but, whereas the Horlicks drinkers didn’t get any enjoyment out of their feeble acceptance of the inequality of the universe, you at least got to drink some awesome wine.

So, because I’ve ranted a little – let’s drink some wine today to commemorate the invention of Horlicks. It’s sort of a little counter intuitive but I’m sure we can live with it.

A quote: “Let us have wine and women, mirth and laughter. Sermons and soda water the day after.”Lord Byron

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