There used to only ever be one, solitary post but ……

THIS IS THE BORING BIT EXPLAINING THE RATIONALE: TODAY’S POST IS THE NEXT ONE DOWN.

A year ago (May 2016) when I started my daily rant about stuff ( an excuse to invent random reasons to get drunk) – my idea was to celebrate the Zen like qualities of wine. It’s a drink of the moment. It’s something to stop time when time goes too slowly or too quickly.

It’s all about enjoying the here and now.  And I wanted the site to reflect that – to post something funny, moving or just me going on about some stuff and then delete it the next day. All of that is gone; move on. This, after all is the ethos of fine wine and fine company. We all fuck up, we all occasionally get it magically right. And then the sun sets and rises and off we go again.

But, it didn’t work. Occasionally I’d get comments (from my solid readership of four) and not be able to reply. Or people would look for the link from Twitter days later and it was no more. So I’m changing it.

So, this year, I’M GOING TO LEAVE THE FUCKING POSTS ON HERE FOR EVER LIKE A NORMAL BLOG!!!!!! (It might double my readership, who knows….)

Anyway we’ll see.

But, just to be different, I’m giving the site a theme tune to be played whilst reading the posts. ‘All the wine’ by TheNational. I’ll post it at the top of all the posts. Click it, it’ll open in a different tab and then read the post. Even if what I write is shit, the song is genius.

We are, after all, festivals, parades: we are drinkers of wine.

 

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25 February: watching monkeys whilst drinking wine.

Surrounded by idiots at work? And maybe even in life generally?

No problem – today you can commemorate their ineptitude and annoying ability to take up far more space than they warrant by opening a bottle of wine and remembering an historical event: today in 1751 the first performing monkey was exhibited in NYC at an admission cost of 1 cent.

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This site now has a theme tune. It’s HERE. Click it and read. It adds a majesty to the crap I write.

Like you I get to watch them for free – jumping through hoops, spinning make believe stories of everything being hunky dory and of what a fantastic guy the Big Boss Man is. They chest bump and cheer stuff when commanded and whoop eith delight when told how great life is. This though , obviously, is total bollocks and is a sign of how well idiots can be taught to perform if you give them the necessary incentives of fear and endless timetables full of strategic meetings.

The secret is not to get dragged in to it, the secret is to remain a subtle outsider – don’t perform, don’t interact and, above all else, don’t socialise with them.

Instead, secretly drink wine throughout the day from a juice bottle and send anonymous e mails to all and sundry accusing them of stuff they probably did. Do VERY LITTLE work.

Today then is a great day to throw a few peanuts in to the monkeys hats as you pass and offer silent thanks for being more advanced than they are. (Even more fun if they have a peanut allergy.)

A quote: I’m going out for a bottle of champagne. We’re going to get bombed.” Stephen King, The Dead Zone.

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24 February: another great reason.

24th February is, according to the infinite wisdom of the internet, Tortilla Chip Day.

And what compliments a glorious glass of vino more than a whole family sized pack of tortilla chips? (Well, ok then – maybe, in total honesty, a pizza or some pasta or some simple olives all work better but let’s go with what we’ve got just to enable us to have a blog post.)

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This site now has a theme tune. It’s HERE. Click it and read. It adds a majesty to the crap I write.

So tonight you are totally justified to drink as much wine as you like as long as you eat one or two tortilla chips with it. And you can show anyone who questions it this site. In this way you are not simply some saddo sat at home getting drunk whilst blocking out the problems of the world, you are a concerned community focused individual wanting to be a part of a global celebration highlighting our human togetherness through salty snacks.

(But, if you’ve not got any tortilla chips, don’t get too hung up on it – just have the booze.)

A quote: “The dipsomaniac and the abstainer are not only both mistaken, but they both make the same mistake. They both regard wine as a drug and not as a drink.” G.K. Chesterton.

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23 February: finding certainty in drunkenness.

Celebrate science and reason whenever you get the chance rather than basking in fantasy and made up shit.

Celebrate it with wine!

Today for instance, you have a choice: you could choose to open a bottle of fizzy water and celebrate the Saint day of a gardener called Serenus. He got beheaded for refusing to acknowledge the Greek gods. (The ultimate act of dead heading I guess.)

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This site now has a theme tune. It’s HERE. Click it and read. It adds a majesty to the crap I write.

Or you ould open up a bottle of the REAL liquid of truth (Wine) and celebrate that today in 1927 the theoretical physicist Werner Heisenberg wrote a letter to the physicist Wolfgang Pauli in which he describes his uncertainty principle for the first time.

(An added bonus is, if you have enough to drink, it might even make sense.) Basically it means the more accurately you measure one thing the less accurate other measurements become. It’s a bit like trying to remember the exact number of glasses of wine you’ve drunk whilst trying to work out if you’ve got enough change to get a taxi home.

So cheers to Heisenberg for today’s great reason to drink wine.

A quote: “Food without wine is a corpse; wine without food is a ghost; united and well matched they are as body and soul, living partners.” Andre Simon.

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22 February: take nothing for granted.

Today in 1903 – due to a drought – the US side of the Niagara falls fell short of water. Who’d have thought that such a plentiful resource as plain old waterfall water could actually run out. But it nearly did. And that’s a lesson to all of us to take nothing for granted. Imagine (shudder) for a moment if wine ran out?!

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This site now has a theme tune. It’s HERE. Click it and read. It adds a majesty to the crap I write.

What a fucking nightmare – then we’d have to deal with life in a grown up way, resolve conflicts with bosses, reason with stroppy teenagers and face up to ex lovers. This, my three good friends, would be horrible and should serve as a reminder for us all to stop whatever we’re doing right now including writing mock blog posts – and go and stockpile some fermented grapes. I’m off…..

A quote: “What is man, when you come to think upon him, but a minutely set, ingenious machine for turning with infininite artfulness, the red wine of Shiraz into urine?” Isak Dineson

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21 February: we speak the language of wine and desire.

Okay, it’s the UNESCO International Mother Language Day today.

Why?

Because it’s great to preserve our primitive, innate cultures and safeguard all that type of stuff for future generations. But – what’s it got to do with wine? Well – you see although this site is in English – that’s not my mother tongue; the one I was born with that is programmed deep within my DNA and is a language from before the time of language. Nope, that’d be the language of fermented grapes, of tannin, of fruit, of little tints of chocolate and licorice. Oh and of two bottles for £9. That sort of stuff.

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This site now has a theme tune. It’s HERE. Click it and read. It adds a majesty to the crap I write.

And it’s this ancient hard wired connection to this almost primal discourse – an international, universal language of drunkenness if you will – that brings us together on here every day to find another pointless reason to get pissed. (Well it’s what brings our grand readership of three -or occasionally four – together every so often. (Admittedly we’d probably all get drunk just as well without it but, hey, what’s the internet for?)

And that’s why I’m raising a glass to International Mother Language Day and why you should too.

Why not join our super elite club? We speak the language of wine and desire.

A quote: “This wine should be eaten, it is too good to be drunk.” Jonathan Swift.

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20 February: Kurt is dead. Long live wine.

Birthday time: Kurt Cobain was born today in 1967. Famous as a grunge rocker, the founder of Nirvana used the well known wine drinkers slogan of “Here we are now – entertain us” in a song and the rest is history.

Sadly though he’s dead ( and Courtney Love had NOTHING to do with it.).

Happily wine – and the entertainment it delivers – remains alive and kicking and Nirvana songs ( plus videos of Courtney in slow motion looking delicious and dangerous) are available to all on the internet. You win some, you lose some I guess.

Singer Kurt Cobain Smoking Cigarette

This site now has a theme tune. It’s HERE. Click it and read. It adds a majesty to the crap I write.

Interestingly the band name Nirvana also refers to the blissful state of drunkenness that drinking excessive amounts fermented grapes brings on.

A quote:

With wine and food, the confidence of my own table, and the necessity of reassuring my wife, I grew by insensible degrees courageous and secure.” HG Wells.

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19 February: Down with this sort of stuff.

Those who don’t learn from history are condemned to repeat it and today in 1881 Kansas became the first state to prohibit all alcoholic beverages.

Remember that; spend today thinking about that and then, as soon as the sun dips and the man moon of evening creeps into the sky, commit to doing something about it. For instance – why not decide to stick it to Kansas and get absolutely legless on good wine whilst watching the Wizard of Oz or any other film that references Kansas and shouting “Down with this kind of stuff.”

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This site now has a theme tune. It’s HERE. Click it and read. It adds a majesty to the crap I write.

The good news? Well, as always in hear type of situations – ultimately – the killjoys lost and now our drunken colleagues in Kansas can get as drunk as the rest of us without fear of consequence. (Other, of course – than waking up with a hangover or in the middle of a tornado with a barn.)

If you’re unfortunate enough to know any of the aforementioned killjoys – they generally don’t drink wine and talk incessantly about “superfoods” and other such shit and drink something called matcha that tastes like a lawn mower has spit cut grass into your face – be sure to let them know they can click their heels together and fuck off whilst we all get drunk.

Oh, and as I’ve used an image of his book, why not buy a copy of Mr Smith Bader’s book? I’m sure it’s very good and – hopefully – he’s a wine drinker.

A quote: ” I forgave everybody. I gave up. I got drunk.” Kerouac

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18 February: Holy cow, the neverending joy of wine.

Okay. It’s 18th February and here’s – not one – but two great reasons to uncork some vino and commence to get bladdered. Number one it’ s actually – according to the wisdom of the internet – Drink Wine Day. (As in International Drink Wine Day.) And, although that’s a good reason, the plain truth of the matter is that it’s Drink Wine Day every day in my house so it doesn’t really seem that special.

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This site now has a theme tune. It’s HERE. Click it and read. It adds a majesty to the crap I write.

However I’ll be opening up a bottle to commemorate the fact that today in 1931 a cow called Elm Farm Ollie became the first cow ever to be taken up in an aeroplane, milked and – as if that wasn’t enough – have her milk sealed into little paper containers and then parachuted out over St Louis, Missouri. (Obviously there is no need to commemorate this milk heavy event by actually drinking milk as wine is a better beverage all round. Just remember to toast Elm Cow Ollie and the world will be good.)

A quote: “Wine is a story that gives birth to stories, and man, a story-telling animal.” Neel Burton.

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17 February: Opera + maximum volume + lots of wine = Heaven

How much wine do you think you can drink in 2 hours 15 minutes 11 seconds? Well today is a good day to find out. Why?  Because that’s how long this full version of Madame Butterfly is on YouTube and today, in 1904,  is the day it was premiered at La Scala in Milan. So why not relive history by putting it on full blast, sitting somewhere up on a balcony, ignoring the neighbours banging on the wall and getting sophisticatedly drunk whilst pretending to conduct an invisible orchestra?

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This site now has a theme tune. It’s HERE. Click it and read. It adds a majesty to the crap I write.

And, if the neighbours (or even the entire street supported by the cops) roll up and start hammering on your door that you should turn it down a tad, just shout back “It’s by fucking Puccini you philistines.” If they persist, open another bottle and start all over again. (Culture, after all – just like wine – should never be rushed.

And here’s a useful formula to memorise and utilise after a tough day dealing with fuckwits at work (or in your personal life.)

Opera + maximum volume + lots of wine = Heaven

Go for it.

A quote: “The noise of drinking was exhilarating. Champagne corks popped and the pale, chrysanthemum-coloured liquid, whispering gleefully with bubbles, hissed into the glasses; heavy red wine glupped into the goblets, thick and crimson as the blood of some mythical monster, and a swirling wreath of pink bubbles formed on the surface; the frosty white wine tiptoed into the glasses, shrilling, gleaming, now like diamonds, now like topaz; the ouzo lay transparent and innocent as the edge of a mountain pool until the water splashed in and the whole glass curdled like a conjuring trick, coiling and blurring into a summer cloud of moonstone white.” Gerald Durrell

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16 February. Wine: a shining star.

Everybody hates North Korea. It’s probably got a lot to do with missiles, propoganda and the like but, occasionally, even “bad” places can throw up a useful celebration for wine drinkers to drink some vino. Take today – it’s the Day of the Shining Star which is a public holiday to commemorate the birth of the nation’s second leader – Kim Jong il. So, to celebrate, here’s a picture of what North Korea wine and brandy looks like:

korea-june13-092This site now has a theme tune. It’s HERE. Click it and read. It adds a majesty to the crap I write.

And here’s some North Korean Music to listen to whilst you get drunk. Maybe chuck some rocks over your neighbours fence or tell massive lies about your last golf round to truly channel the North Korean leadership spirit as you get drunk. Maybe even watch the Winter Olympics and root for the North. Tweet infantile insults about your enemy – the possibilities are endless. ( Or just go around pointing at things. This, sadly now dormant site shows you how to do it right: http://kimjongunlookingatthings.com

(I’ll probably be dead in the morning now – assassinated by foreign agents but it’s a chance I’ll take to celebrate the shining glory of fermented grapes.)

A quote: :“Death: “THERE ARE BETTER THINGS IN THE WORLD THAN ALCOHOL, ALBERT.”
Albert: “Oh, yes, sir. But alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them.”

Terry Pratchett.

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